June 06, 2007

the violence of fashion

I hold in my hand a foldout packet of American Dentyne “Fire” Softchew gum. The “Fire” refers to its cinnamon flavour and on the box it says "go bold". On the inner flap there is a so-called Dentyne-ism #169: The muumuu has yet to realise its full potential as a fashion trend.

I am momentarily silenced as I consider this. Let's just think this through ... Muumuu is the name/onomatopoeia I have heard used in California for what we call a Sarong in South Africa. Leaving aside the comment that is has not realised its full fashion potential, what's with that name? NOTHING should ever be referred to as a Muumuu, okay? That's just plain rude. Which brings me on to a whole host of other utterly inappropriate names for items of clothing.

Who the hell decided that an undergarment made out of netting material (or whatever the heck you call that holey stuff), should be called a wifebeater shirt? Is it generally accepted that men who beat their wives share the same taste in clothing? Is wearing one perhaps an indication that you might become one? I know girls who wear them (over T-shirts, naturally - think Rosanna Arquette and Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan). Oh-oh.

Military names abound in the fashion world. Where do the troops sit in a girl's tank top? A trench coat apparently comes straight from the trenches of WWII and the original design was by Burberry, but could we stop mentioning “The War” now? Ditto for cargo pants. Hot pants are the last kind of pantaloon that could keep you warm.

And you want me to do WHAT in my jumper and sweater? And, by the way, a jersey means different things to Americans and the English - as I discovered in a NYC clothing store when the salesman giggled at my request for a knee-length jersey with buttons. He was thinking of a rugby-jersey-type piece of clothing, while I was thinking of a jersey-jersey-type piece of clothing.

Clearly, blazers are for fire-fighting.

Can we agree that a sloppy joe - a knee-length, hooded jersey with deep pockets and buttons - is anything but? I don't even want to know why some shoes are called mules (are they worn by asses?) and others have kitten heels. And how about .... no, no - I am not going to go there .... oh, okay, speak to me about ballerina PUMPS, please. Very offensive to waif-like ballerinas - what exactly are you pumping when you wear them? I cannot bear the implication of sneakers - walk tall, man, don't sneak through the world! And it occurs to me that a thong is g-string to some and flip-flops to others. So ... what now? Should we wear them around our bums or our big toes? Phew, it isn't easy knowing how to do things right!

Isn't it interesting that women agree to wear chokers and carry clutches (clutch bags)?

While we're at it, I have some names of my own I'd like people to consider using. Hip-huggers, AKA hip-hugging jeans or pants, let's just call them what they really are: fat-roll forming f'ckers or, wait I know, low-slung ass-enlargers. Stilettos should be totter-arounds, or shit-I-just-fells. I propose that a boob tube be renamed a rib-pinch, seeing as that is mostly what it does. The hugely unflattering effect it has on the wearer's chest is that of boob tweaker, so maybe that's a better name?

Our clothing beats, clutches, hugs, chokes, sweats and jumps us. I think we need to do something about that. In closing, I bring you Dentyne-ism #68:Someday parachute pants may come back in. Today is not that day.

1 comment:

DN-Tx said...

And I refuse to wear trunks