March 23, 2008

Hollywood Rules

I am reading a fantastically entertaining non-fiction book called The Hollywood Rules.
It calls itself "The book Hollywood doesn't want you to read" and was written by Anonymous - a select group of industry people, apparently, who want to let me in on their secrets of success. Why? Well, apparently Anonymous is tired of the same old sh*t that is spewed out of Tinseltown and hopes that by offering me the 'open sesame' to Hollywood, I will come along and make good movies.

The writing style is pretty funny - without meaning to be, if you catch my drift. The sheer earth-shattering importance Anonymous attaches to what s/he writes is what makes it funny. It sounds like a big-shot shaven-headed, cigar-chomping ego maniac dispensing advice in a booming voice. Man, that's Hollywood, right? Even a little soft-cover book wants to be big-stuff.

And here are some choice tips (taken totally out of context, of course) to help you on the road to success and fame in "the most competitive business in the world":

- Get a post box for your mail if you don't live in a cool area. Remember my humble assessment of uncool phone codes that give away uncool neighbourhoods? Well, Anonymous lists areas that are fair game and if you don't live in any of them, get a postal adress in one of them! Not to be shallow or anything...

- Always be the first to end a business call and leave them wanting more. Here are some choice phrases you can use to show you are busy and important. You can combine several of these as desired:
"I've got to take another call"
"My lawyer's calling. I've got to take this"
"I'm already late for a meeting."
"I need to be across town in 20 minutes."

- Be fashionably late at informal parties i.e. half an hour late is basically early, whereas an hour to an hour-and-a-half late is actually on time. Two hours late is considered late (no, really?!) and people will have started leaving by then, so your networking opportunities are limited.
"Hurl compliments at celebrities" at parties and either sit on the couch with a big plate of food (to share with people who sit down next to you) or stand near the food table to guarantee maximum exposure. If the party moves to the kitchen, look out for the flourescent lighting which will make you and everyone else look like crap.

How mind-blowing is this little goldmine of a book? This is certainly one of the most important works I have ever read. Can't wait to get back to LA and put it all into practice.


Gabrielle said...

Haven't read it yet. It appears to be out of print. Yet, I can buy a used version of this $13 dollar book for over $300 at Amazon.

In the meantime, I'll stick with the best advice I ever received from a mucky-muck in the industry, which was: "Be nice to everyone, because no one wants to work with an asshole."

Anonymous said...

It's not out of print. It's a Fade In book you can order at